STILL TRYING TO LAUGH AND LIVE DESPITE HEARTBREAK

As she talked movingly about her heartbreak over the past year in coming to terms with her beloved husband's murder, she was still able to laugh at the irony of Stephen "looking down from above" and seeing his wife in a pair of running shoes.

As a guest of the New York Police Department for the famous New York St Patrick's Day Parade this month, one of Kate's minor diversions will be a shopping trip to buy a pair of Asics trainers in one of the city's famous department stores.

"Steve was always interested in keeping fit and each year took part in the Great North Run in aid of charity," she said. "This year though was going to be his last as he said his knees were getting a bit old. He intended to hang up his running shoes, so he would be having a laugh now at me buying a pair and taking up walking. He is probably up there right now making everyone do their sit-ups!"

And, being such a serious sports fan, Stephen would undoubtedly be pleased that a memorial football match has been organised in his honour between the PSNI and a number of family members and is due to take place this week.

Learning to laugh again is one of Kate's resolutions for this year, although she knows in her heart life will never be as it was before the night of 9 March, 2009, when the Continuity IRA shot dead her husband as he answered a distress call in Craigavon.

These days she admits she struggles just to go through the motions of everyday activities, despite being described as a brave symbol of hope for the future of Northern Ireland.

"I have spoken openly this past year about the futility of terrorism and the untold heartache it causes to families and people like me," she said.

"When I heard of the recent car bomb attack on another police officer, it was like hearing Steve had been shot all over again. Incidents like this set me back and dash my hopes for the future, but I don't regret taking a public stand if what I say strikes a chord in one person's heart and stops them lifting up a gun and shooting someone else."

But despite her strong public image, she says the real Kate is the person at home on her own or standing out in the snow at three o'clock in the morning deciding whether or not to go to the graveyard and dig up Stephen's grave "just to be close to him again".

"No-one sees me in those dark moments," she says candidly. "These are the things the outsider doesn't see; they can't feel my devastating loss; they don't know what it feels like to want to dig him up just to touch him."

This past year has been an emotional rollercoaster for Kate who attended an emotional ceremony at Manchester Metropolitan University to collect a posthumous Degree in Sports Science for Stephen who would have completed his course of study this year.

She was also a guest of the IRFU for Ireland's recent rugby international with Italy in Dublin and was proud to be presented with cut glass rosebowl from the American Consulate at the Police GAA prizegiving in Belfast. The past year also saw Kate named overall Woman of the Year and Inspirational Woman of the Year at the Belfast Telegraph Woman of the Year Awards, and she also fitted in a special presentation of a book of condolance by former Chief Constable, Sir Hugh Orde.

These events and her various interviews have propelled her onto the news pages and television screens around the world and following on from that, messages of sympathy and support have arrived in her Banbridge home from all corners of the globe.

However, it is a childish, simple poem written by a local schoolboy which takes pride of place amongst her mementoes and which she had framed to sit on her coffee table.

"The poem is very precious to me and I feel honoured that a child felt moved to write it," she says. "I was also delighted that the English singer/songwriter, David Ford penned a special song in Steve's memory simply called 'Stephen'. It is now on an album and I am very proud of that."

Every letter, award, poem or song provide degrees of comfort for Kate who faces the year ahead with tentative hope - although she knows 2010 will be a particularly difficult one as it holds several significant dates, not least her 25th wedding anniversary in August.

"We had planned to renew our wedding vows at Ashford Castle, so this will be a particularly difficult day," she says. "But I still intend to go ahead with the visit. It will be a very hard thing to do, but the whole family has decided we are going to go to Ashford Castle on our anniversary weekend. We will celebrate as best we can; we will celebrate Steve's life, not his death."

birthday

This year will also mark Kate's 60th birthday and would have seen Stephen celebrate his 50th - a landmark birthday after which he was going to look forward to a new career in personal training, a career he intended to pursue on completion of his Degree in Sports Science which he would also have finished this year.

However difficult the year ahead, Kate intends to keep her focus of positivity and has already made enquiries about fund-raising for youth clubs or charities which help difficult teens, particularly in the Craigavon area where her husband was shot.

"Craigavon took something away from me, but I want to give something back and I am checking out a few charitable organisations and youth clubs in the area which are doing good work in keeping misdirected teenagers off the streets," she said. "I truly believe that if children are enjoying themselves and feel good about themselves, there will be less chance of them getting involved in anti-social behaviour or paramilitary organisations."

This year Kate also decided to forgive her husband's killers and she feels this will help her move forward in the grieving process. She is still seeing a grief counsellor, but having passed the anger and guilt stage, is still nowhere nearer the acceptance goal.

"I am not there yet," she says simply. "I have found it very, very hard, especially over the last two weeks during which time I have been very withdrawn and have just not wanted to go out anywhere. But the counselling is definitely helping, as is the much appreciated support from family, friends and neighbours.

"I don't know how long it will take to heal; some days I feel that place is very far away and I wonder to myself if I will ever get over this, if I ever will be able to move on.

"I promised Steve once that if anything happened to him, I would complete a scrapbook he had started, charting his various activities and achievements.

" I can't face that yet because it feels too much like closure."

Despite her fluctuating hope and despair, Kate knows there is much to look forward to and life must - and does - go on. Special family occasions are marked, domestic chores get completed, treats and shopping trips get organised by good friends like Antoinette Hannigan who regularly drops in for chats and, apparently, to top up Kate's supply of mascara.

"Antoinette definitely keeps me in mascara!" added Kate, allowing herself a much-needed little laugh again - a therapeutic mechanism she hopes to practise a little more often in the year ahead.